"How far ?!"
"Is this some kind of joke ?!"
"Why does it have to be overnight ?!"
"Isn't this..well.. insane ?!"
Instead I found myself saying....." Count me in ! "
The club had generously offered to donate a proportion of the money raised to Alzheimers Research UK. So whatever the event was going to be I felt duty bound to participate.....and like it. No moaning, no complaining.
Shit . No moaning and no complaining ? This was going to be tough.
I just wasn't prepared for what was on the cards.
An overnight bike ride from the Humber Bridge to Lincoln and back. A relatively direct route would have been 80 miles or so but a circuitous route via Gainsborough and Goole would make it ...130 miles.
I am going to write that out in words ... one hundred and thirty miles. That is 200 Kms...two hundred kilometres. The longest ride I had ever done up to press was 78 miles. This was well on the way to being twice that.
The ride was going to be supported in the form of Justin in his works van ( thank you Sewell Group ! ) ably assisted by Annette ( my Missus ).
The bonkersness ( yes that is a word ) of training to do my first ever 100 mile bike ride at the Prudential Ride London event by doing a 130 mile ride was not lost on me.
I had to get my head round it though because this was actually going to happen.
The event took place on the night of Friday the 5th of June starting at 8 pm at the Humber Bridge and would finish approximately 12 hours later back at the Humber Bridge.
Leading up to the big night I was not in the best physical shape. I felt I had overdone it over the preceding week or two. My legs were in a continual state of "too tightness". My hamstrings and calves ached all the time and the strain was not being relieved by my half hearted stretching exercises.
I heard a really good quote about stretching exercises recently
"Everybody knows they are really important and nobody does them"
I was concerned that even though the pace of the ride would be steady that it would be too much for me.
The nightmare scenario would be an attack of cramp and being shovelled into the back of the van crying like a baby.
THE GATHERING
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| Riders Are You Ready ! |
Supplies and standby equipment were loaded into the van including a surprising amount of baking that had been lovingly crafted by several participants.
Flapjacks, chocolate cakes, cherry and banana bread and Fat Rascals to name but a few.
The cherry and banana bread that Steve S had created was excellent. Could we have a baking ringer in the group ? After all it is a fact that I have never seen Steve and Paul Hollywood together in the same room.
 |
| Back Up Team Ready ! |
That was on top of the myriad of tools and equipment that were already in the van for it's true purpose of facilities maintenance and support.
"What on earth is that ?" said Annette pointing at a small cylindrical object with a happy face painted on it and a snorkel type tube coming out of it.
"That's a vacuum cleaner love " I replied. It's used for cleaning up.
She looked back at me blankly.
"Never mind sweetheart" I said " it's not important right now"
THE GRAND DEPART
And so after photographs and general hoopla the little matter of a 130 mile bike ride began with the familiar roll across the Humber Bridge and then through Barton to get on to Caistor Road.
In Barton we received our first heckle from a drunken local staggering between pubs.
I'm not sure that he was entirely sure what he wanted to say but he wanted to say something.
Obviously concerned for the local economy he plumped for an interesting comment about how cyclists may effect the traffic flow in a medium sized market town.
" Ahh you lot ! Get in the way of the traffic why don't you !! "
As a resident of Barton it made me feel proud.
We left Barton and continued on to Burnham, Melton Ross and Bigby.
The ride was being led by Mark E fresh from his epic charity turbo event of the previous Friday night.
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| Mark E - Ride Leader |
I had only met Mark properly a few days before when we had been on a ride together.
Mark was having difficulty remembering my name.
"Hey Andy have you got tonight's ride on your Garmin ? Mine is playing up and I need a back up "
"Yes I have mate and it's Alan by the way"
"Oh I am ever so sorry I've done that before haven't I ? Totally unacceptable. Great, thanks for that!"
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| Mike On His Fixie |
Mike was on a " Fixie ".
I looked down at the large chain ring and the small sprocket and wondered why anyone would choose to ride a bike with one gear especially when that one gear was a very hard gear.
Was it just a macho thing ?
So I asked him.
" Mike " I started "Why would anyone choose to ride a bike with only one gear especially when that one gear is a very hard gear? Is it just a macho thing ?"
Mike talked about the true spirit of cycling and how all bikes used to be like this. Doing it this way was doing it the right way respecting the heritage of what had gone before and challenging oneself to live up to the feats of the greats of the past.
" And ..." he added " It's a bit of a macho thing as well ! "
Thought so.
INTO THE NIGHT
As the sun was setting we pressed on in the general direction of Market Rasen passing through Searby, Owmby, North Kelsey Moor, Moortown and Holton Le Moor.
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| Patrick & The Support Van |
I wondered how Annette and Justin were getting on in the van. I hoped Annette wasn't going on too much about her old rowing exploits.
" I swear to you Justin" Annette concluded as she got out of the van " I had to row 3 hours up that bloody river to see that donkey ! "
Okey dokey.
 |
| Handsome But In An Obvious Way |
There were large promo shots of Sewells employees on the side of the van, looking out and smiling.
The subliminal message : We are professional. We are competent. We are here to help.
These people were probably not real employees anyway I cynically thought to myself. They will be models........hold on.
That guy looks very familiar. He looks like ...he looks like Justin. It is Justin !
A "Mobile Maintenance Technician" said the strap line and what was he holding in his left hand ? A mobile.
Did you see what they did there ?
I was wondering where his right hand was and why he had a mischievous grin on his face before I was snapped back into the here and now.
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| Bill - Knows A Dickhead When He Sees One |
"Gather round everybody !!"
Mark was giving a safety briefing.
"OK everyone we are about to start on the A46 now so there will be quite a few dickheads on the roads. We need to stick together and look after each other "
" You will know they are dickheads as they will have helmet shaped heads " added Bill helpfully.
"OK everyone alright with that ? " concluded Mark , then looking at me " OK Paul ? "
" Yes Mark fine and it's Alan by the way "
"Oh I am really sorry. What is the matter with me ?!"
Shortly after this stop it was properly dark and everyone had their lights on as we progressed down the A46 towards Lincoln.
Unfortunately the prediction about dickheads was correct and they fell into two distinct categories
The " I Am Prepared To Risk My Life and Yours To Get Past " dickhead
&
The " I Am Going To Sound My Horn At You For ...Well I Don't Actually Know Why " dickhead
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| Losing The Light |
In fact there was only one incident of a dickhead who overtook us narrowly avoiding a head on smash with oncoming traffic.
Bravely I got myself in the middle of the pack hoping that the flesh and bones of my colleagues would reduce the kinetic energy of any out of control vehicle or projectiles formed by an accident.
Best to keep that to myself I think.
We had another stop down the A46 and people took the opportunity to put additional layers on ready for the overnight conditions.
Amazingly for me I didn't feel cold and so decided not to add any more layers at this stage.
After all the weather forecast was predicting an overnight low of 9 degrees. That shouldn't be too bad should it ?
LINCOLN, MICHAELGATE & THE BIRTHDAY GIRL
As we approached Lincoln it was evident I had made the wrong decision about not putting an extra layer on. I was freezing. Surely this wasn't 9 degrees ?
Never mind we would soon be at Lincoln and I could put something on there.
But to get to Lincoln Cathedral we had to navigate the toughest uphill section of the ride.
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| Approaching Michaelgate in Lincoln. |
Little more than a hundred metres or so in length this road is still ranked 28 in the 100 Greatest Cycling Climbs of the UK and the starring attraction of the annual Lincoln Grand Prix.
An average gradient of 12 % maxing out at 17 %.
After the first killer section the road levels off kidding the rider the worst is over only for the coup de grace to be delivered when the rider turns sharp left and faces a further wall of cobbles to ascend.
Not so much a hill but more like one of those indoor rock faces you get at modern leisure centres.
 |
| Michaelgate |
I was expecting something a fraction more bumpy than say block paving. A little lumpy but actually quite pleasant.
I was to be disappointed. The cobbles themselves were like a Himalayan mountain range in miniature. Standing proud of the road surface and each one seemed to be saying :
"C'Mon hit me ! Hit me ! ".
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| We Are All Here - Even Though You Can't Make Us Out |
However, I was not smart and switched on. I was dumb and the lights were out.
So I ploughed on up the middle, grinding it out for 2 bone shaking minutes.
Still it was great to get to the top and be greeted by Lincoln Cathedral all lit up.
Time for some group photos poorly exposed lacking any real detail or resolution.
Before we left it was time to give one of our number an unexpected treat. We were approaching midnight after which the date would be the 6th of June.
Historical events that occurred on the 6th of June include
- The Normandy Landings - D Day, The Longest Day - 1944
- Bill Hailey and The Comets " Rock Around The Clock " hits No. 1 in the charts - 1955
- Britain voted to stay in the Common Market - 1975
- Cottingham Road Club Overnight Charity Bike Ride - 2015
- June Heron born - 19.... Better not go there.
"What month is it ?"
"June"
"That will do ! "
As the clock swung past midnight there was a rousing chorus of " Happy Birthday" which June was overjoyed with as she loves being the centre of attention. Her feelings nicely summed up by the statement :
"Let's go ! "
CAN YOU FALL ASLEEP ON A BIKE ?
From Lincoln we started on the segment of the ride that would end up in Gainsborough. This would take us through Burton, South & North Carlton, Saxilby, Torksey, Marton, Knaith and Lea.
The support van and crew were shadowing our every move. Sometimes they would follow behind and other times they would overtake and wait for us up ahead.
Justin was trying to get Annette to understand the concept of a vacuum cleaner
"You switch it on and it develops a suction which picks up dirt and small particles from the area being cleaned, typically carpets "
Annette looked back blankly.
" Never mind Annette. It's not important right now "
On the outskirts of Saxilby we managed to go the wrong way by missing a right turn. Mark noticed first.
"Hey stop, I think we've missed a turn here" and then to me "Dave, what does it say on your Garmin?"
"We are off the course Mark. And it's Alan by the way"
"Of course it is. I am such a plonker. I do apologise"
We turned everybody round and took the correct turning to get back on the course. Unfortunately we had turned round and gone a different way when the support crew were ahead of us.
Thus we expertly managed to lose the support van and crew. We couldn't have done it any better if we were trying to do it. All was not lost though and a quick mobile phone call later we had arranged to pick up the support crew again at McDonalds in Gainsborough. No drama.
So we pressed on to Gainsborough in the wee small hours. The terrain was pancake flat and it required very little effort to keep the legs turning over and to maintain a reasonable speed. In front of me all I could see were the rear lights, steady or blinking, of my colleagues and then all detail disappeared into the surrounding murky, inky blackness.
I began to feel like I wasn't really there, that I was watching it as some kind of observer through a window. Was this a dream ?
It wasn't exactly riveting viewing either so I began to yawn and feel a bit sleepy. The period of time my eyelids were shut when I was blinking started to get longer and longer.
I turned round to Tony
"Is this really happening Tony ?"
"Do you know I was just thinking the same thing" came the reply.
Not all my colleagues were feeling as soporific as me. In fact quite the reverse for some of them. Carol and Wayne who are as thick as thieves had found something amusing and were cackling like hyenas.
If it wasn't for the racket they were making my eye lids could well have stayed shut on one of those blinks.
WHERE IS THE VAN ?
When we got to Gainsborough we were able to compare the quality of the drunks with the ones in Barton.
I think to be fair though the drunks in Gainsborough had been at it much longer than the drunks in Barton and so there was a much lower quality heckle in Gainsborough.
The best one was from a drunk actually on a bike riding in the opposite direction to us. Maybe in his head he thought he had delivered the ultimate witty heckle that would be talked about for years.
What actually came out as he cycled full gas past us was just a scream.
"Blaaarrrrrghhh !!!"
We followed the Garmin course religiously into Gainsborough ....and then out of Gainsborough ? Hold on I thought we were going to meet the van at McDonalds in Gainsborough?
" You're right " said Mark " better arrange somewhere else "
"Ring your Missus Hugo and tell them to meet us where we cross the Trent. What is the name of that place now ?"
"Keadby Bridge ?"
"That's right Keadby Bridge"
I wasn't even bothering to correct him on the name thing now. Hugo ?
I stopped to make the call while the group carried on. Having got hold of Annette I informed her of the new plan to meet at Keadby Bridge.
"OK got that" she said " Oh and Alan "
"Yes darling ?"
" Why would someone want to pick up dirt with one of these vacuum cleaner things ??"
"Never mind darling. That's not important right now. See you at Keadby Bridge "
I ended the call. Jesus Christ ! Unbelievable !
INTO THE DAWN
The run up to Keadby Bridge from Gainsborough was all along the banks of the River Trent. It was easy to start going a little too fast.Carol wanted us to slow down a bit
She sprinted up to the back of the front group at top speed only for her to discover that she couldn't pull out of it in time.
She whacked into Wayne's back wheel.
For a second they both wobbled and nearly hit the deck."Hey what do you think you're doing !?" shouted Wayne
"I just wanted you to slow down" pleaded Carol
"Well just ask me don't knock me off my bloody bike ! "
I think this was just a sign of general fatigue setting in.We hadn't seen the van for some time now and people where ready for a stop and something to eat and drink.
At Keadby Bridge we spotted the van parked up off the road.
It was a welcome sight and soon all the doors were opened up and cyclists were gorging themselves on the goodies inside.Suitably refreshed we set off on the road to Goole via Garthorpe, Adlingfleet, Whitgift, Reedness and Swinefleet.
You could just start to detect the sky starting to get a bit lighter on the horizon. The dawn was coming. Hallelujah !
As we rode through Reedness I put the hex on things.
"Do you know what ? We've been really lucky with punctures haven't we ? What's the chances of going so long without one ?"
Moments later. " I've got a flat ! ". It was Ian.
The classic puncture repair scenario then ensued.
Namely the person who has suffered the puncture is surrounded by people who adopt a supervisory stance normally arms crossed or if it's really serious hands on hips.Comments are then made on how the person who has suffered the puncture is doing his repair incorrectly or can do it better. No one actually actively assists.
Lights will be shone on the working area by people who haven't suffered the puncture not to help the person who has suffered the puncture but to assist those watching in their assessment of the situation.
Ian manfully demonstrated that he could take this pressure by repairing this puncture and also the next one he had about 5 minutes down the road !
I don't think I could do it. I would go to pieces under the scrutiny.
LOST IN GOOLE AND DRAFTING THE VAN
As we rolled into Goole the sun was well up now. We went straight on at a junction and the Garmin chirped up immediately to alert me to the fact that we should have turned right.
 |
| Goole - The Final Stop |
Everyone kept going.
"But if someone knows where we are going ....?"
As it turned out no one knew where we were going and we spent about 15 minutes guessing and using The Force to try and get ourselves back on track.
Eventually we did and we crossed the Ouse using Boothferry Bridge and made our final stop at the Ferryboat Inn where there was excited talk of possible bacon sarnies.
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| Final Pep Talk |
Never mind there were still plenty of treats in the van to refuel on.
As I munched away on some of Paul Hollywood's cherry and banana bread I looked down at the Garmin on my bike. The distance covered read 107 miles.
 |
| Near Howden - Brilliant Sunshine |
Nerdy and uninteresting I know but it's my blog.
Mark got us together for a final pep talk.
"OK everybody we are on the final leg now. If some of you want to have a bit of a blast back home then go ahead. "
 |
| Mike At The End - Off To Work ! |
"There's going to be a good tail wind on the way home so enjoy it. OK ? Lets do it ! "
So we set off turning right at Howden in order to hug the north bank of the River Ouse. The sun was shining, the roads were flat and the speeds started to creep up.
For the final stint I found myself in a group with Chris, June and Jason. The support van was also in close attendance. Sometimes just behind us and sometimes just in front.
We had some fun trying to draft the van. Justin was keeping an eye on things in the side mirror increasing his speed to make it harder and harder for us to stick with him. Finally he ended our fun by speeding off into the distance.
 |
| Carol At The End - "F * * KED" |
Over those final 10 miles back to North Ferriby I felt brilliant. I was pressing on and getting some complaints from June and Jason which was nice to hear for those times when they have done the same to me.
The only minor issue in those final miles was the promised tail wind was in fact quite a strong head wind particularly when we were going towards Broomfleet.
After that section was over though it was plain sailing all the way into North Ferriby where we assumed we would be the first to arrive at Vive Le Velo.
I was just about to put my hands in the air (figuratively speaking as if I did it for real I would fall off ) when I spotted a lone rider waiting outside the bike shop.
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| Justin - Not So Mobile Now |
It was Mike on his fixie.
"How the hell did you get here in front of us ?"
"Well I had to get a move on as I need to be at work in a bit"
"What ?! You are going to work ? After that ride ?"
He most certainly was and if you had any problems with your mail delivery on Saturday the 6th of June it could have been because your postman was a little tired that morning.
Just before we set off for the final couple of miles to the bridge I gave Mark back some ear phones he had lent me for use with my mobile phone.
"Thanks Enrique. Nice one "
Enrique ?? Unreal !
RETURN TO THE BRIDGE
 |
| Back At The Bridge |
It was processional, it was slow and it was brilliant.
What a rush. I had done it. We had done it.
By the time I got home I would end up breaking the 140 mile barrier. Barely credible.
I made a point of trying to get round everybody and give them a handshake to say thanks very much for being part of it with me.
I wasn't going to forget this in a long long time.
Just before Steve and I got on our bikes again to go back over the bridge to Barton I went up to Mark and offered him my hand.
" Thanks very much Mark. Enjoyed it. "
"That's great Alan well done mate "
I pushed off and started pedalling for the bridge.
Hey, wait a minute ...............what did he just call me ?
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