Where Ducks Dare

The Monument on Garton Hill. Picture by Charlie

CLUB RIDE TO SLEDMERE 04-04-15

As I drove over to Cottingham for the Cottingham Road Club ride I just couldn't believe it. It was raining again !

At first driving onto the Humber Bridge the weather was misty, murky and grey but no rain.  Maybe we might just get away with it.

Then a single drop of water appeared on the windscreen, then another, then another.

The wipers activated to clear them off only for them to be replaced by more. Before long the wipers were on steady, working hard to push the water away.

Cossetted inside this South Korean technical marvel was a very disappointed cyclist. Not again ! 

I was pretty fed up of cycling in the rain. It was getting very old and I was running out of ways to describe getting soaking wet through.

Went for ride. Got wet. Repeat.

Remembering some management BS I had once been through I tried to jolly myself up.

" Come on Alan are you an eagle or a duck ?! "

"It's  "Where Eagles Dare" not " Where Ducks Dare" you know!"

"Well it's not exactly eagle weather is it ? " replied my inner duck.

Today's ride was going to be a 55 mile round trip to Sledmere with a planned coffee stop at Sledmere House.  A couple of days before I had done a 50 mile solo ride to the Trent and back. Despite lots of stretching my legs still felt tired and tight. I was going to be a sitting duck.

However, I knew I had to put myself in uncomfortable situations in order to improve. Unfortunately that's how it seems to work in this game.

I had done this ride once before with the club and the highlight (if you can call it that)  was the climb up to the monument at the top of Garton Hill just outside Sledmere.

My plan was to hide in the pack and then give it a go up the hill to the monument.

After that we would have a stop and then I would return to lurking in the group on the way back.

It was a plan any duck would be proud of.

On arrival at the meet point in Cottingham it was tippling down and like lemmings having second thoughts we bunched under the slight protection offered by an estate agents window.

Adam and Charlie arrived late again and then declared 

"C'mon we have to get going you lot "

The other 17 of us thought "Yes we were waiting for you !"

THE ROUTE

 

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING A DUCK TODAY ?

It was a relatively routine start to the ride. That is to say we strayed off the official Garmin route within a couple of miles of coming out of Cottingham and at our first stop in Little Weighton Adam was under pressure accounting for people.

 

He kept counting heads, losing count and then starting again.

 

"Alan we started out with 19 right ?"

 

We do try to be like the US Rangers but no plan survives contact with the enemy. Speaking of plans I had one that would soon be in shreds.

 

After Etton, the ride continued northwards and moved onto exposed moorland that was part of the eastern edge of the Yorkshire Wolds.

One disadvantage of having the GoPro on the back of the bike is that to get everyone on the pictures you have to get in front. As we went through a farm complex I put in a bit of a spurt to go past everyone so that I could get some good shots.

There were 2 immediate downsides to this. One, I was working very hard to get up there and two I seemed to have found myself in a bit of a break away group at the front and was now stuck with it.

This was never part of the plan. Even worse as we started to go up a steady rise I was at the front. Oh dear oh dear. Where did this all go wrong ?!

I got myself off the front by missing a left turn and then catching them back up. There was Ian, Charlie, Dave A and then Sam caught us up to make it 5. The Magnifice.....no I've done that.

The country lanes ran more or less due north heading for Kirkburn. We ran through a very muddy section and I got splattered with mud from Charlie's back wheel.

No mudguards on his machine. I felt I had to say something

" Took the mudguards off a bit early Charlie !?"

That was telling him, what a stinger. If he didn't watch it I would bring the big guns out and start tutting.

 SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT

 

The country lane we were on ran up to the A614 at Kirkburn. We stopped at the junction. 

"This is where I had my accident" said Charlie.

What's He Doing ?

He was referring to a famous incident from the annals of CRC history where Charlie had been mowed down by a car pulling a caravan. 

"Is there not a blue plaque around here somewhere then Charlie ?"

He smiled and then appeared to try and recreate the accident by moving out into the main road with traffic uncomfortably close. 

It was a case of deja vu all over again as the concerned faces of my colleagues testify.  

We had a regroupment before moving off, carefully from this junction.

GARTON, THE HILL AND THE MONUMENT

We negotiated the A614 and then turned left onto Station Road that would take us to Garton-On-The-Wolds.
 
This was a 2 mile section with yet another steady gradual climb up to Garton. I tagged onto the back of Ian, Charlie and Dave A.

We weren't far off the climb to the monument now so I didn't want to be expending loads of energy.

So obviously I rolled into Garton at the front with my heart rate in the 180s. What the hell are you playing at ? Where has the real Alan Clough gone?

I cannot possibly keep this going so why are you doing it ? Maybe I needed a quack ?

We had another regroupment in Garton and then pushed off and made our way to the bottom of Garton Hill. At the top was the monument.  According to the plan I was supposed to have been saving myself for this climb.

As we started up I was in a group with Ian, Charlie, Dave A, Steve and Ben. A little bit behind were Sam and Craig.


My heart rate was 170 bpm at the bottom of the incline so I felt I was heading for a blow up it was just a question of when. We started on the incline proper. Ben came past me and Steve started to drop back.

I got behind Ian and concentrated solely on the little gap between my front wheel and his back wheel. That was my universe.

Heart rate at 180 bpm and we had only really just got going. I started to think about engine blow up metaphors for my blog.

"Big end has gone"  or "Blown a gasket" or " sheared a con rod " or what about just "ran out of gas" ?

There were still 5 of us together but you could tell Ben what about to give it the beans. Sure enough he pulled the trigger about half way up and started pulling away from the 4 of us with me at the back.

5 metre gap, 10 metre gap, 15 metre gap.

I looked down at the Garmin. Heart rate was 182 bpm and I was the last duck in the row.

I pulled out and pushed harder on the pedals. I went past Ian, I went past Charlie, I went past Dave. What the hell was I doing ? This was absolute madness.

Was I actually going to try and get up to Ben? Was I serious? Well it seemed that I was. As serious as a heart attack which was almost certainly coming.

 Heart rate went to 183, 184, 185, 186 . I got closer to Ben, then a bit closer , then a bit closer. My God I was going to get on the back of him I don't believe it. I dug deeper than I've ever done before and I clawed my way up to his back wheel.

I stayed with him for a 100 meters or so and then everything started to tie up. My thighs were burning, my lungs were busting my heart was surely going to burst.

I had to back off or I was a dead duck !

Come on Alan put things in perspective you are just trying to get to the top of a hill with Ben. I don't want to come down the other side of this hill in an ambulance.

I had to let him go and backed off the effort. I kept the legs turning all the way to the top and pulled in at the monument after Ben.

I had to be happy with that. My legs were absolutely shot though and we weren't even half way round yet. My plan, such as it was, was in tatters.

If you are a fan of countryside moving by the camera slowly then the whole climb is on the video clip below.

We all gathered at the monument to have a rest and take photos.

Garton Hill Monument - Picture By Ben

Ben was asking about what the monument was all about. Who built it? What did it represent? What was the story behind it?

Well according to my good friend Wikapedia the monument is a memorial to Sir Tatton Sykes (1772-1863) the 4th baronet of Sledmere House who was a benevolent land owner and stock breeder.

The monument was built by his friends and neighbours in 1865 with an inscription that reads

"Erected to the memory of Sir Tatton Sykes by those who loved him as a friend and honoured him as a landlord"

One could only hope for such a testament for when we have passed away.

Those are the answers that Ben should have got to his questions.

What he got was

" the bloke who built that was saying " I've got a big d * * k ! " ".

TV historian Dan Snow, your job is safe.

 

SLEDMERE HOUSE COFFEE STOP

Charlie Thinking About Fitting Mudguards

It was another couple of miles into Sledmere and straight away from the complaints coming from my legs I knew I had over done it going up to the monument.

I let everyone go past me before I pushed off from the monument. When I got going there was a large gap and I was buggered if I could close it. Luckily I got up to Simon and hitched a lift behind him into Sledmere. This would not be the last time I would be getting some help from Simon.

At Sledmere House we had our coffee stop. We sat outside and recuperated.

 " Hey Alan" said Charlie " Look at all the mud over you. You are covered in it ! "

On reflection this was a wind-up but in my weakened state I didn't twig.

"Because of you Charlie ! Because of You ! "

Then Sam chipped in " Looks like you've got the mark of a wheel sucker there Alan "

There was a collective sharp intake of breath followed by "ooh !". On reflection, this was a wind-up too.

Sam gave me a cuddle.  "I don't mean it Alan ! "

It was water of a duck's back to me.

Had we been transported back in time to the playground ?

Yes was the answer as Charlie and Adam indulged in a double entendre laden discussion about sausages, salamis, chipolatas and any pork based products they could think of.

Having had enough of this cooked meat japery I thought I'll get some sense out of Ian.

"What's the route like on the way back Ian ? "

" Oh we are nearly there now Alan. It's out of here then a left and a down, up, down, up, down, up and right at yer Wetwang followed by a left, down, up, down, up, down, up and a left followed by a right and then down, up, down, up and then it's over, right, down up, down, up, down, up, left and right, down, up, down, up and down into Cottingham "

Oh no Ian. Not you too.

On reflection that also could have been a wind-up.

DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN UP....DOWN

We left Sledmere and started the " Down, Up, Down, Up " section of the ride.

This took us through Wetwang where I was tormented by the wonderful smell of fish and chips.

There were also quite a few vintage cars on the road around Wetwang which was pretty cool to see.

It must have been a vintage car rally.

Either that or Jon Pertwee's Doctor Who was out and about chasing Cybermen in Wetwang and surrounding areas.

After Wetwang the route took us on Thorndale Lane towards Huggate where despite my tired legs I conspired to find myself in a group with the usual suspects of Ian, Charlie and Dave A but also Adam and Sam this time.



There was a number of these rolling hills one after another and the guys were pushing on.

"Shall we wait for the group to catch up ?" asked Adam...they went faster.

It Actually Exists

"Are we going to stop then ?" I chipped in........they went faster.


"Did you see that sign Alan?" asked Ian.

"What sign Ian ?"

"The one that said "PAINSLACK"  "

There was no slacking of any pain. Not from where I was sitting.

Much more of this and I would be a lame duck!

Eventually the message got through and we came to a stop at a left turn that would take us to North Dalton.

This is where I witnessed a titanic "beard off" between Sam and Craig.

There was posturing and chin stroking as the two displayed their magnificent plumage.

Good old Steve T in the middle there having recently shaved his beard off probably thinking

"I'm glad I don't have to get involved in all that anymore ! "

Simon's Cabs - "Taxi for Clough"

Through North Dalton and onto Middleton I was a little over zealous chasing after the front group again to such an extent that I had to bum some food off Ben in Middleton and then catch my second lift of the day behind Simon going into Lund.

We had a very pleasant stop in Lund whilst waiting for Sam to fix a puncture, all sat round would you believe it .....a duck pond.

Once underway again we homed in on Etton and I used my last bit of energy on one last dash to the front in order to get some more shots for the GoPro.

That damn camera. It is definitely going on the handlebars next time.

Then we were on the familiar run in back to Cottingham.

Cherry Burton, Bishop Burton, Walkington, Little Weighton, Skidby and home.

I tagged along with Steve S as the group fragmented towards the end with people going their separate ways to get home.

As I pulled in at the Olive Gardens my Garmin burst into a zany tune and displayed the message

"You Have Won ! ".   Yes I have.


That was another stellar ride with the club I thought. 55 miles and boy could I feel it.

I strolled back to the car and started to load everything into the back with tailgate and doors open all over the place. Bike in the back, bottles out. Helmet off, get some trainers on, change of shirt, rub down with a towel. Backwards and forwards flitting round the car getting myself sorted.

I wasn't paying attention and I smacked my head on the tailgate. Ow that hurt !

Should have ducked.


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