A Bike Ride With The Missus And The Inner Chimp

Showing My Mastery Of Time 
Lapse Photography

Every now and then something comes up that is more important than your immediate cycling goals.

One of those occasions is when the Missus says " Do you want to come for a ride with me ? "

For the record the answer is NOT :

" No thank you. The difference in our abilities is too great and I will not get a decent enough workout. This may impair my ability to achieve my cycling goals"

The answer is off course

" Yes please darling that would be wonderful "

One should never pass up an opportunity to accumulate brownie points that can be cashed in at a later date.

Annette was wanting to go for a first ride out on her new bike. Well I say "new", she had had it for several weeks but she was not prepared to take it out until the chances of it getting mucky had reduced.

Not Cool

There was a little bit of tension in the air initially as Annette felt I was dragging my feet or as she put it "pissing about".

I felt this was an unfair characterisation of the facebook thread I was participating in at the time. Also there was the serious issue of my missing woolly hat.

As my regular reader will already know, I love my woolly hat. I couldn't find it and I was trying to find it the only way I knew how. This was to repeatedly look in the same 3 or 4 locations that it is usually found knowing full well that it was not there. I couldn't understand why I was being unsuccessful.

Reluctantly I had to abandon the search and instead of a woolly hat to keep my ears warm I was forced to pull my ruff up over my head. Not a look I can pull off.

GUIDELINES FOR RIDES WITH THE MISSUS.

I love my Missus and she loves me let's get that out there right off the bat ( must be a few brownie points for that ) . However, I have learned that in order to make things go smoothly on bike rides there are certain rules that must be observed. Well maybe not rules, more like guidelines.

Encouragement could be viewed as patronising.Remarks like "Goooo-on love put some effort in !!" were generally ill advised.

Humorous remarks were also risky. One could soon find oneself down a comedy cul-de-sac.

For example we did the Selby 3 Swans sportive together in 2014. We started off at such a relaxed pace that I enquired in a light hearted fashion if she was doing a warm up.

This resulted in me losing many many brownie points. There was a veritable brownie point crash,
a dearth if you will of brownie points, there was a lot of red in my brownie point ledger, the
brownie points had gone and they weren't coming ba......well, you get the idea.

Finally any questions from the Missus about how she was doing should be met with a stream of unrelenting positive remarks.

THE ROUTE

The weather actually was not that good. The temperature was 6 to 7 degrees, it was cloudy and overcast and the wind was easterly 10 mph and gusting up to 15. Whilst the chance of rain was low it was murky and misty and the damp in the air made it feel pretty raw.

My feelings about the weather being miserable were reinforced as we pedaled across the Humber Bridge as I saw the first drop of liquid snot appear at the end of my beloved's nose.

There was a strange weather phenomena that we observed as we crossed the bridge. On the south side there was no damp or water on the ground. It was inhospitable but dry. As soon as we got to the other side the roads were wet like it had just rained. It was like someone had flicked a switch.

I hoped Annette's bike wasn't going to get too dirty. As I cast my eye over her fine machine I noticed her disc brakes. I have never had a bike with disc brakes.

" If you get a puncture is there anything special you have to do to take the wheel off ? " I said
"No it should just come off "
" Oh I thought you said you had to twiddle something on the brakes to get the wheel off ? "
" No I was talking rubbish"

Ok I must write that admission down, oh I just did.

Looking Good

We went through North Ferriby and approached the junction with the A63. Rather than take the overhead roundabouts we plumped for the underground cycle path route. Time for a picture in the tunnel.

Woman In a Tunnel

Woman Too Far Away In A Tunnel

The bottom shot is a rubbish picture of the Missus but the tunnel looks good in a weird kinda way. If you could smell urine now you would be there.

ELLOUGHTON DALE AND THE INNER CHIMP

We headed off for Elloughton and after some discussion it was decided we would go up Elloughton Dale. The Missus was getting used to her bike and there were a few grumblings about the different feel of the brakes, gears and pedals.

"I think it's me that might be the problem" she said.

This was met with a barrage of positive comments from me as per established protocols. You are not dealing with a rookie here you know !

Elloughton Dale - Don't Look Ahead !

And so to the steady but long climb up Elloughton Dale. I was specifically asked to stay just in front as a target so she did not look at the long drag ahead. No problem darling.

At the bottom the Missus declared she was keeping her inner chimp in check.

I had heard of the inner chimp from Dr Steve Peters ex of the GB cycling team. Annette had recently read his book.

I think simplifying complex psychological behaviours by characterising them as an animal or other analogy is a great idea. But couldn't he have come up with a better name ? Really ?  " Inner chimp " was just a rubbish name.

Keeping her inner chimp under control apparently meant that she was restraining her normal competitive urges to rush off too fast and too quickly and then blow up on the hill. OK sounds good to me....but inner chimp ? There's gotta be a better name than that

We made steady progress up the hill and as we neared the top I could hear her breathing starting to get more laboured and without thinking I let out some encouragement

" Keep going sweetheart we are nearly at the top ! " followed by
" It levels out just round this corner keep going ! "

We were really through the looking glass now. When we got to the top and she was getting her breath back she didn't mention it. Maybe she didn't hear me? I think I got away with it.

The Missus was quite stoked that she had got up nice and steady. In fact she was giddy and pumped

"My brain was telling me to slow down and stop. But I said "No F *** You ! Thanks for the advice but F *** You ! " "

Wow, good for her ! I wondered who she had been talking to ? It couldn't have been the inner chimp as he tells her to speed up. so there must be another inner animal in there that she was talking to.

Sounds pretty crowded in there to me. ( See Note 1 )

SWANLAND POGGIO & HOME

We rolled on down to Welton and then made our way back to North Ferriby.

I had my leg pulled going through North Ferriby about my signalling of hazards in the road. I seemed to be reluctant to take my right hand of the bars.

So if there was a hazard on the left you would be fine but if it was on the right you were on your own !

The Missus suggested rather than go back the way we came she preferred to go up Swanland Poggio.

Swanland Poggio is the name of a Strava section that runs from the main cross roads in North Ferriby up to Swanland.

We followed the same procedure as at Elloughton Dale and Annette went up sticking to my back wheel. I didn't even hear her breathing hard this time but once again I forgot myself and offered encouragement. She later told me she had heard this and the previous encouragement but had decided on this occasion to let it go.

There was a lot of oil on the road going up the Poggio. You could see the rainbow stripes nearly from the bottom of the hill all the way to the top. Whatever was dropping all that couldn't have much oil left. I pointed it out to Annette and it was on the right as well !

After Swanland we returned to the Humber Bridge and made the crossing to Barton. The strange weather phenomena was still in effect as when we left the north bank the roads were wet and damp and we arrived on the south bank to perfectly dry roads.

Pushing For Home

I pushed my luck at the end to get a picture of us together and showed Annette my mastery of  time lapse photography on the very first attempt or was it the second attempt ....or third.

REFLECTIONS ON A GOOD RIDE WITH THE MISSUS

As I went to work for my night shift that evening I reflected on what had been a good ride with the Missus.

Gratuitous Selfie

There had been no arguments, always a result. We had covered 23 miles which was a reasonable distance. I had got away with some blatant encouragement. We had both enjoyed it and I had amassed a tonne of brownie points.

I only hope I don't do anything stupid to throw them all away.

I took the handover from my colleague at work and after he'd left I thought I'd sneak an early sandwich. I got my work bag and rummaged around inside to find my pack up.........hang on what's this ?

It's my woolly hat ! Who put that in there !?


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Note 1

Subsequent research ( 5 minutes on google ) has shown that the inner chimp refers to the part of the brain that runs on emotions and gut instincts rather than making evidence based judgements. Hence the inner chimp can tell you to go too fast too soon AND to give up because it is too hard. So it is perfectly possible there is only one inner animal in the brain of the Missus and there is no crowd of animals in there. However it was a good line and I wanted to leave it in.